Q. My boyfriend refuses to give up coke for reasons I can't explain. I don't make a stink if he smokes a reefer. I don't make a stink about the tranny sex he's had in the past or the his-and-her butt plugs he bought us in month two. He's well-read, witty, and sweet—but I'm seriously anti-drug for my own reasons, and he knows my stand. We're reaching month six, and in spite of all his skeletons, I love him. But this coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man that can't commit to not doing coke. I need a man's swift and brutal opinion: What the fuck? Is this butt-plugging asshole trying to sabotage our relationship by holding on to some libertarian conviction that was started in ancient Rome? —Coke-Hating Sister
A. I'm not sure how the Romans factor into this, CHS, but here's the swift and brutal opinion: If a coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man who uses coke, then why is this coke-hating sister wasting her time on this trifling, tranny-banging, coke-snorting brother? Either coke is a deal breaker for you, CHS, or it isn't. If it is, then don't date him. But if this butt-plugging asshole merits an exception—if the lift tickets are balanced out by well-read, witty, and sweet—then date him, girl, and stop bitching about it.
Relationships are not your amusement park. Just because you find someone you like and they like you doesn't mean you can them remodel them to your further liking. If this guy got coked up and then started treating her badly, I might have some sympathy for Coke-Hating Sister, but the fact is that I hate people with random fucking standards like this. If you don't like coke, don't do it. If someone is mean to you or doesn't listen to you or treats you badly, in other words does something to you, then ultimatums are in order. If not, SHUT UP. The relationship is your to leave.
You know people like this write to advice columns so that someone will tell them, "People who use coke don't deserve to be in relationships! You lay down the law! If he doesn't completely change into the person you want him to be, he doesn't really love you anyway!" Luckily, she didn't write to Dear Prudence or she probably would have gotten that response.
She didn't write to Dear Prudence, however, because she obviously likes to think of herself as way crescent-fresh and GGG and liberated and not bourgeois-uptight. She tries to prove this by mentioning that, gasp, her boyfriend's sex life apparently included trans partners! But she was so fucking cool that she let that go, it's just the coke. Well, Coke-Hating-Sister, you are so bourgeois-uptight that I think you ought to have written Dear Prudence and gotten the response you wanted. Next time, try her first. Hell, check out an old bound collection of Dear Abbys from the 1960s.