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    Thursday, December 08, 2005

    Cheryl Lavin on Marriage

    I love these:

    I'm hoping you can tell me if my newfound obsession with being married is normal. I've been with my boyfriend for six years, and we've lived together the past year and a half. I never thought it was a big deal not to be married.

    Then something happened. It seemed that everyone I knew was getting married, and every time I turned on the TV there was a wedding show. I began to want that big white dress and the church wedding.

    I talked with my boyfriend about this, and he agrees that one day we should get married. When he says "one day," it sounds like he's saying, "I never loved you." We're both in our mid-20s and in good professions, so I figure now is as good a time as any to get married. But he wants to be more financially secure so he can, if need be, support the family. His logic makes complete sense, and I really don't think he's intentionally avoiding the issue.

    Still, I ask him about it at least four times a week and have convinced myself that I'm going to be 40 years old and still waiting for him to be ready.

    Thanks for listening to my rant.

    -- Got the Wedding Bell Blues


    Dear GTWBB: Don't be ashamed; you don't have to make excuses for yourself. You want to get married. It's perfectly normal. You love this guy. You've been with him a long time, living together awhile, it's time to move on to the next stage. Marriage. Now, stop the constant nudging. Just sit your boyfriend down and point out the flaw in his logic. He can build up his nest egg while he's married just as easily as when he's single. You're not going to start having kids right away, so both of you can work toward the same goal of a comfortable financial cushion. Then, tell him that you need a date and a ring. In other words, a commitment. None of this "one day" stuff.


    Let's take this piece by piece.

    1. I'm hoping you can tell me if my newfound obsession with being married is normal.

    Normal, yes. So is obesity, so is job dissatisfaction, so is the female inability to orgasm. Let's not get too happy about "normal".

    2. I've been with my boyfriend for six years, and we've lived together the past year and a half. I never thought it was a big deal not to be married.

    Then something happened. It seemed that everyone I knew was getting married, and every time I turned on the TV there was a wedding show. I began to want that big white dress and the church wedding.


    It seems you clearly want to get married for all the right reasons. And I mean that seriously- the big white dress (just like on TV!) is what a wedding is.

    3. I talked with my boyfriend about this, and he agrees that one day we should get married. When he says "one day," it sounds like he's saying, "I never loved you."

    Maybe when you say, "I wanna get married NOW NOW NOW," it sounds like, "I never loved you." Or maybe he's actually listening to what you're saying, instead of justifying his inexplicable urgency to wear a big white dress.

    4. But he wants to be more financially secure so he can, if need be, support the family. His logic makes complete sense

    Complete sense? Well, given what you've said so far, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that this makes "sense" to you. But, and I'm just curious, did you ever have that little talk about whether you would still work if you got married?

    Now for Cheryl.

    5. You want to get married. It's perfectly normal. You love this guy. You've been with him a long time, living together awhile, it's time to move on to the next stage. Marriage.

    Stages: 1. Get together, 2. Live together, 3. Get married. Not "different", but "stages", implying some sort of ascendancy. All those folks who've lived together a lot longer than the year and a half that GTWBB and her beau have are stagnating in relationships that aren't going anywhere.

    6. Then, tell him that you need a date and a ring. In other words, a commitment.

    Please. The woman doesn't want a "commitment". The date and the ring will suffice (well, and the big white dress).

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